This is a story about a man. THE MAN.

The story of his trials and tribulations.

A MAN on a quest... to score...

 

 

 

One night in Internet Land, not so long ago:

May 16, 1999. 1:05AM...

Sinyaso: I like the Venus Weeds! I think they're the hottest on the CV foe line.

Bastadge: Next to Slogra, of course.

Sinyaso: By hottest, I meant attractive, as opposed to cool and godlike.

Bastadge: I know.

Sinyaso: Right. Slogra is hot in a different aspect of the word and whatnot.

Sinyaso: I bet the Venus Weeds think he's hot.

Sinyaso: Uh oh.

1:06AM...

Sinyaso: GENIUS TIME!

Sinyaso: I FEEL A FUNNY COMING ON!

Bastadge: Yes!!!!!

Sinyaso: SLOGRA'S FIRST DATE!!!!

Sinyaso: Glad we thought of it!

Bastadge: Yes!

1:21AM...

SLOGRA'S FIRST DATE

Written and constructed as John Baxter, by Eric Roman with Bastadge's inspiration.

Gaibon: Hey, dude!

Slogra: Hey.

Gaibon: So how's Slogrette?

Slogra: Who?

Gaibon: Slogrette, you know? I heard you and Rainard got into a big conflict because of her.

Slogra: Oyeah... I laid him to waste.

Gaibon: I've heard different.

Slogra: ...

Gaibon: So how is she, your dino-chick, eh?

Slogra: Uh...

Gaibon: Come on! Come on, lemme see 'er!

Slogra: There is no Slogrette.

Gaibon: Hah?! Dude, you need a woman.

Slogra: ...why do you say that?

Gaibon: Well...you know...I see you've been spending more time with the Count lately, and well...

Slogra: WHAAAAAT?!? Don't try to implicate me in such a matter...uh...yo! I'm just on extra guard duty! Drac needs it especially after what happened when CastleVania 64 bombed! Should I remind you of a little CNN man who tried to pop junk about your purplish coloring?!

Gaibon: ...I took care of him and his colorblindness inducing specs. And I'm blue.

Slogra: Anyway, don't try to infer what I think you are or you're gonna end up like that clod Lucas from The Wizard!!!

Gaibon: He lost in Mario 3, so?

Slogra: Quite. But he got laced by the best. And I think you're gonna experience the same right now!

Gaibon: ...is this...going anywhere? Or you gonna be this way the whole page. Simmer down, dude.

Slogra: Grr... Just don't do that again.

Gaibon: Dude, you need a woman. And I know just the one who can help!

 

LATER THAT STAGE...

                    

Slogra: Trevor C. Belmont????

Ralph Fake: No, RALPH C. Belmont. We haven't been exported yet, remember?

Slogra: Oyeah.

Ralph Fake: So what can the Vampire Killer better than Richard do for you today?

Gaibon: He needs a chick.

Ralph Fake: Go on...

Gaibon: He needs a chick who's cool.

Slogra: ...

Gaibon: A chick who doesn't suck. Uh huh huh... wait a minute... that's not what I meant.

Ralph Fake: Listen Butthead, get to the point.

Gaibon: Right. Can you tell us how you met Sypha? We can apply that advice to help my tag partner here, Slogra...I mean, Berigan, find a suitable mate.

Ralph Fake: Alright. PREPARE TO REMINISCE!!!

Gaibon: Cool. Pay attention, Slog- I mean, Berigan.

Berigan: ...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ralph Fake: It all started one day in an upside down room.

Ralph Fake: Hi! My name is Ralph Fake. Who are you?

Sypha Fake: Sypha Fake. Pleased to meet you.

Ralph Fake: Wow...the 32 bit graphics really make your eyes sparkle...

Sypha Fake: *blushes* Why, thank you...

Grant Fake: Hi!!! My name is Grant Fake!

Ralph Fake: You're not important.

Grant Fake: *tumbles over, bursting into flames* AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!

Ralph Fake: Run! This guy just walked in and started attacking us! Sypha Fake's trying to ward him off! He took out Grant Fake, but that's not important!

Spider of CastleVania 3: Why're you telling ME this? And how in the heck did I get in HERE?

Ralph Fake: Oh, sorry. The Enemies Guide is at enemies.html, I think.

Spider of CastleVania 3: Thanks. BYE! HAVE A NICE LIFE!

 

                    

Ralph Fake: Hey! Wait! Come back!

Sypha Fake: *screams adorably as she vaporizes*

Ralph Fake: Ah! My Goddess! You killed Sypha Fake! You blas-turd!

............COME GET SOME.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ralph Fake: And that's the story of how I beat Alucard and saved the day! Guys? Guys.........?

LATER STILL...

Grim Reaper: Is that all?

Gaibon: Yes, Glorious Lord Death, Master of All Evil.

Berigan: I'll pretend like I didn't hear that.

Grim Reaper: This book will aid you in your quest.

Gaibon: Syfa Velnumdes' spell book?

Grim Reaper: No, it's the 1990 edition of Jeff Rovin's How to Beat Nintendo Guide. It comes with a map attached.

Grim Reaper: It's really quite simple. Take the northwest passage about a quarter BLK from the upper left quadrant of the land. Follow that route to the ruins of Veros, take Dabi's Path for 26, no, 27 minutes where you can meet the ferryman. Though there's nothing but dirt and rocks there, it doesn't stop that nut. Have him paddle you over the ground, thusly protecting your sensitive 16 bits--

Gaibon and Slogra: We aren't sensitive.

Grim Reaper: --and wind up at Vrad Graveyard. Such a rad graveyard. But make sure you say you have Dracula's baby teeth before the ferryman proceeds. Next, locate the abandoned mines after Vrad Graveyard, and descend a cave which will eventually lead to the Aquarius level. Fight the Ultimate Evil there, and he'll escape, flooding the room. After heading for high ground, you will be tested once again. After the Bone Dragon King expires, you should be at the Abandoned Mine.

Gaibon: Amazing! It's that easy, and that hard!

Berigan: ...

Grim Reaper: Now....BEGONE!

STIIIIIIIILL LATER...

 

Berigan: G'uh...where are we? Where's the guide?

Gaibon: I got hungry, so I ate it. It wasn't very good, though.

Berigan: We are surrounded by so many delicacies such as Fishman Sticks and Ghost Crunchies...and yet you ate the book?

Gaibon: I couldn't help it! Besides, I couldn't figure out if the Fishmen were from some unpublished Mega Man game! It'd be illegal to eat someone from another corporation!

Fish Dude 1: Woah, you heard that? We're in the Corporation. We're the Corporate Fish Men.

Fish Dude 2: Cool. We're the big show! The whole effin' show!

Fish Dude 1&2: *CRUNCH!!!!!*

          

Berigan: It's good to see you thinking. Now are we gonna drag this out, or what? Let's go!

 

          

Gaibon: Look! Here comes someone! Now listen, *whispers*

Berigan: Are you sure about this?

Gaibon: Got me the Succubus!

Berigan: Yeah, but the Succubus is a perverted *CENSORED* whose business is nothing other than rescuing creeps like yourself from virginity!!!

Gaibon: Eeeeeeh, what? Anyway, here she comes! I'll go over here and pretend to look at something in amazement.

          

Harpy: EEEEEK!

Bergan: Hey, baby! Wanna make a Slogra Harpy hybrid?

Harpy: EEEEEK!

          

Berigan: ...

Gaibon: BAAAAAAGH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Berigan: . . .

Gaibon: Someone just got sonned! BAAAGH HA HA HA!!!! I'm sorryimsorryimsorry!

Berigan: Remind me to publically humiliate you in public when this is over...

 

And now the story forks, (sorry, no spoons, said best by Konami) into separate parts!

Question is...what happens next?

TAKE THE UPPER ROUTE (Ending#1)

TAKE THE LOWER ROUTE (Ending#2)

 

 

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, back, to, TSSPC or Humor Me!

Created: 5-16-1999
Last Edited: 12-10-2002