SUMMER, 1998
SONIA BELMOND
Mother of Ralph Belmond.
One night stand of Adrian Farenheight Tepes.
Sonia Belmont, CastleVania fanboys' first postergirl, tragically died of a supremely lame Game Boy adventure named CastleVania Legends yesterday. No matter how jaded by her looks her fans are, they fail to realize that, no, Legends was not a great game. There was also a proposal to bring her into a 3D game, enabling frothing players to tilt the camera to gaze her panties, but it has been ''cancelled'' for about the 17th time. The doomed project was called, ironically enough, "CastleVania Resurrection".
She is survived for several hundred years by her pimp Alucard, and a long line of Vampire Killers, though Eric Roman still refuses to accept the fact that indeed, Sonia Belmond was the first. That is...until yet ANOTHER prequel disconfirms this for the Game Boy Advance III some 25 years from now...

WINTER, 1999
REINHARDT SCHNIEDER
Reinhardt Schnieder, non-Belmont hero of CastleVania for the Nintendo Ultra 64, died after slipping off a log yesterday. "This ***king game sucks," said one enraged player before ripping the paperweight from the system and reinstalling F-Zero X, "I can't control this sh***y character! He isn't even a Belmont anyway! THIS was the great 3D game we were waiting years for?! S***!!!"
He is survived by plot twists CastleVania Legend of Cornell/Legend of Darkness and Carrie Fernandez, who, as CastleVania relevent as Juan Valdez the Columbian donkey coffee guy, has had more appeal to players since she's a girl. Her frothing controllers try everything within their camera angles' might to look up her dress. Perverts.

SUMMER, 1999
FLEA MAN
Single smelly hopping guy.
Flea Man, staple of CastleVania enemydom, died during a visit to his biggest 'fans' in one John and Audra Baxter last week. According to eyewitnesses, it was John who opened his door at his undisclosed address, and upon introducing himself, the "mole man" had his bald head caved in by the might of John Baxter's fists and custom made CastleVania action figures. The witness promptly notified the authorities, and a trial was considered for John Baxter, but then scrapped because no one really cares about the stupid things anyway.
Flea Man is survived by his brothers, War Goose, Flea Rider, and Flea Armor. They don't care either.

JANUARY, 2000
TREVOR C. BELMONT
Father of Christopher Belmont.
Husband of Sypha Velnumdez.
Trevor C. Belmont, star of CastleVania III Dracula's Curse, and not exactly the hailed celebrity at CastleVania III Dracula's Curse THE PAGE!!!, died a week ago while in the Clock Tower of Untimely Death. While escaping with fellow Vampire Axe Murderer Grant DaNasty, Trevor mistakenly walked off the edge of the platform, falling through the attached stairwell.
Trevor C. Belmont is survived by his 3 month old son Christopher and his wife, Sypha Velnumdez, who has vowed to investigate this incident on her own.

JANUARY, 2000
SYPHA VELNUMDEZ
Mother of Christopher Belmont.
Wife of Trevor C. Belmont (deceased).
Sypha Velnumdez, also known as Belnades, died yesterday in the Clock Tower of Untimely Death. While investigating the exact spot Trevor was last seen by nearby Medusa Heads, Sypha mistakenly walked off the edge of the platform, falling through the attached stairwell.
She is survived by her son, Christopher Belmont.

FEBRUARY, 2000
CHRISTOPHER BELMONT
Child of Trevor C. Belmont and Sypha Velnumdez.
The body of an emaciated baby Christopher Belmont was discoverd inert within the house of Trevor C. Belmont and Sypha Velnumdez during a monthly Warakiya riot. "I don't know where his parents went, but his brains were tasty," commented one Zombie as he was going through the baby's toy chest. A Flame Ghost had this to say: "Look at my new rattle!" He then proceeded to giggle maniacally as he shook the flaming rattle in his grasp.
Christopher Belmont is scheduled to be dumped in Yuba Lake on the 14th during an evil ceremony performed by some gothic kids to resurrect Dracula or whatever.

SUMMER, 2000
GAIBON
Man of Scylla.
Blue gargoyle bat.
Gaibon, the hardcore flamespitter from Super CastleVania IV and "Roman Horror Action" game Akumajoh Dracula X ~gekka no yasohkyohku~, died again, yesterday.
First on the scene, we noticed several gay-basher Flea Man groups chanting, "GAY-BON! GAY-BON! GAY-BON!", as they mirthfully hopped around the steaming red corpse of the misunderstood gargoyle. Slogra then arrived and promptly annihilated them with a Level 61 attack maneuver. As the squealing Flea Man corpses were set ablaze by this magnanamous display, Slogra glared over the prone body of his best ally. He had no comment.
Gaibon is survived by Slogra, his best battle companion and widely respected Dinosaur Knight of Super CastleVania IV and Akumajoh Dracula X ~gekka no yasohkyohku~, and Scylla, who commented, "Why, why did Gaibon have to die?! Who started this rumor that he was gay?! Ooh, if I EVER find out who did, I'LL KILL THEM!!!" She then shoved off with her lower 3-headed wolf/octopus body and went on a rampage throughout the Mediterranean. Scylla was last seen leaving Crete, headed towards the Atlantic Ocean.

FEBRUARY, 2001
SLOGRA
The MAN.
Berrigan.
Slogra, widely respected Dinosaur Knight of Super CastleVania IV, died at the hands of Eric Roman on Sunday night. When his murderer was informed of this, Eric was quoted as saying, "He's only PRETENDING to be dead. It's like what Walbert told me in the late 80s when we were playing a car game and Bubble Bobble on his NES. Slogra is a fine actor. And look at these sprites I captured!" Eric then produced a Photoshop document displaying Slogra in a variety of positions, many of which remain unreleased to the CastleVania Worldwide and most likely will premiere on the Slogra's Shrine site his friend is building. When busted in the face and reminded that Slogra really was dead, Eric looked sternly at this reporter...and then he cried. He then proceeded to bounce off the walls in his room declaring to the entire North Bronx that, "SLOGRA IS THE MAN! SLOGRA IS THE MAN! SLOGRA IS THE MAN! FOR LIFE!!!" Eric Roman has been under protective custody ever since. His albino ferret, Rei, is expected to post his bail.
Slogra is survived by his relatives the Iron Doll, found in CastleVania II Belmont's Revenge, and Ice Titan, who is doubtlessly enjoying infinite wealth after his walk-on role on the Dizknee film, Hercules, in which he jobbed to the title character.

FEBRUARY, 2001
DEMON FAMILIAR
'Bubbles' of Alucard.
Demon Familiar, noble servant of Arukaado-sama in Dracula X ~gekka no yasoukyoku~ and snooty whelp of Wussmaster Alucard in CastleVania Symphony of the Night, was found scattered across the ruins of a recently detonated Neutron Bomb factory in Europe the other day. Data from DV surveillance shows the 2-foot-tall winged demon floating near an emergency self-destruct switch, saying, "Hmmmmmm....! A switch! Why don't I press it and see?!" The picture is lost the split second the Familiar pokes the button with the tip of his spear.
Demon Familiar is survived by the Nose Goblin Familiar, who sounds remarkably similar to the Master Librarian. Owners of the game's American version can simply ignore the previous sentance.

MARCH, 2001
THE MONSTER
Creation of Dr. Frankenstein, P.H.D., M.D., B.S., D.D.T., T.N.T., T.M.N.T., D.C.T.P., M.G.E., B.O.P., T.N.N., T.B.S., C.B.S., N.B.C., F.O.X., F.C.I.
The Monster, a popular worker of the CastleVania series, died last night of a severe contusion to the head literally brought down by a giant falling block.
The Monster was happy to finally have some gum and showed his delight by stomping the floor, sending many stones falling from the ceiling to the floor.
The Monster is survived by The Creature, a more durable android version of the same guy with a big hammer and rolling attack.

EXCLUSIVE WIRE FROM JOSH "FUNK DOC" BALLARD
MARCH, 2001
CARRIE FERNANDEZ
Carrie Fernandez, Latin pop diva and Player Two of that one 3D CastleVania game, died this weekend. Here is Josh "Funk DOC" Ballard for more.
[Carrie got her lame polygonal azz killed] After being in the wrong camera angle and falling into some water, which is instant death in Nintendo Ultra Project Reality 64 Land for some reason. And...
...I was at the controls. I then said "F*** this." and put WWF No Mercy back in.
She leaves...um...nobody, come to think of it. Except for a bunch of vampires and/or ghosts, who frankly can't be bothered to give a damn.
And while she was buried, I watched Nitro to see Booker T make his return and pin Steroid Steiner, and forgot about it.

EXCLUSIVE WIRE FROM JOSH "FUNK DOC" BALLARD
MARCH 2001
Oh, just in...I was able to get an interview with the spirit of Sypha.
I asked her about Carrie and she started screaming about Medusa Heads and how she "lead a bad life". Then I left, and the now-unemployed Mean Gene Okerlund ran in to try the same thing I did. She killed him with a fire spell, much to the joy of everyone. Mr. Okerlund's dying words were "A former World champion...up North...will be coming...to WCW. Call...my...hotline...right...now...argh."
[He leaves behind] his closet lover Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea (check out the "Gene Okerlund, Pro Wrestler" entry at Wrestlecrap to see what I mean).

EXCLUSIVE WIRE FROM: MEGAMUR BEST
WINTER, 2001
SIMON BELMONT
Simon Belmont, famed hero of Transylvania and part-time surgeon, died recently. While perusing the shops in the town of Aljiba, Simon realized that he did not have enough hearts with him to pay for a new pair of white boots. Despite "borrowing" some of the blood-pumping organs from nearby shoppers, he still came up short. Angered, Simon stormed out of the store and fell into a nearby well. Bystanders could do nothing but offer him Useless Gibberish and a Blue Crystal. He is survived by his wife who's name escapes us at the moment.

EXCLUSIVE WIRE FROM: CHIBI JANUS
JANUARY, 2002
GAIBON
BLUE GARGOYLE-BAT
The Loved Mascot of Castlevania Dracula's Curse: THE PAGE!!'s Sidekick, Gaibon, was found dead in his limo, which yesterday was presumed to have been stolen, today. It is presumed that he purposely overdosed on drugs.
His psychiatrist, Dr. Frankenstein, P.H.D., M.D., B.S., D.D.T., T.N.T., T.M.N.T., D.C.T.P., M.G.E., B.O.P., T.N.N., T.B.S., C.B.S., N.B.C., F.O.X., F.C.I. (Information of qualifications courtesy of Mr. Eric "THE MAN!!" Roman), said that Gaibon spoke of being "fed up with all the "Gay-bon" jokes out in the castlevania world.", where then after, his doctor said "I'm glad that purple f*ckin' dinosaur is gone! Now I can do my work without all his b*tching! Gay-bon! Man, they sure were right!"
In other news, over a local Message Board today, Chibi Janus said something funny today. In a related topic, hell has indeed frozen over.